Breaking The Cycle

Mom. Mother. Those words mean different things to different people. I don’t have a mom. I mean I do have a person that gave birth to me. But she’s never been a mom. She made me be an adult at 5 and 6 years old. She chose a man over me and my sister. No one to call for advice, no one that helped me get ready for prom. She has the title of “mom” but she didn’t earn it. She wasn’t there for the child, wasn’t there for the teenager with a broken heart. Wasn’t there for my marriage. Wasn’t there during my pregnancy. The birth of my first child. But I was the first person to be called when her wonderful man (she chose over me) broke her arms, ribs and nose. And as an adult, after years of therapy, I forgave her. I flew up to get her out of that life. Why? I really don’t know. God placed it on my heart to do. So she has lived with me now over 14 years. And tonight she told me she hates her life here. That she’d rather live with the abusive asshole than live with me.  Gotta admit, a knife was stabbed in my heart. I can’t wait for you to hear all about the”mom” she wasn’t. You don’t just get to be called mom. I’m sorry, but mom is a title you earn after loving, caring, and being there for your child. So guess what “Mom”, you are NOT my mom. You gave birth to me and for that thank you. But that’s all you did.

You wake up and you wonder if you’re awake. Literally, am I awake? Because this feels like a nightmare. Do I have 911 or CRISIS written on my forehead? I’m reading the book Boundaries, and The BEST YES. I’m doing all the things I need to be doing. Then WHY do these “Crisis” things keep happening?  I write a list of ALL the traumatic things that have happened in the past 8-10 years. The list is long. Tonight I’m focused on my husbands surgery. He had suffered with ulcerative colitis since he was 26 and I still remember the night we knew something was wrong like it was yesterday. Blood in his stool and in the toilet. I panicked. I was 24 and had a 2 year old baby girl. I tried to tell myself it was nothing and would be ok. We went to the doctor and got the diagnosis. Ulcerative Colitis. He began taking steroids. It helped for years. But then it stopped working. Then other meds were added. By the time he had turned 40, he stopped responding. He tried all the new meds and when he was 42 he began speaking to surgeons. Surgeons who wanted to remove his complete colon. What was involved in this? What would his life be like? Or our life be like? He decided to go through with the surgery and although I was scared, I supported his decision. I wanted his life

I believe things always happen for a reason. God placed a beautiful child in my life June 2017. She was broken. She lived a life of heartache. Nine schools in 8 years. Shelters, homeless, neglect. I thought I could love her enough to take away all the heartache. No more shelters, no need for the basic things in life. I could do this. Then I couldn’t. She was self destructing. She didn’t know love. She thought love was sex. If a boy wanted to have sex with her he loved her, right? Then the video went viral. She didn’t know he was videoing them. But he was. He shared with friends like a trophy. Did he know that the broken soul he videoed was broken? Did he know this would push her over the edge? She called me from school. “I’m sick, can someone check me out?” She’s checked out and home alone. She’s preparing her exit from this world. Not knowing I would come home to interrupt her exit. The bath was half full. The razors and sharp objects lay neatly on a towel next to the bath. I interrupted her death plan. God sent me there. I did not know at the time why. But God was I control. The suicide letter as my daughter found it and screamed and cried. I fell to my knees. I had failed her. I was to fix her and I failed. We go to the emergency room. We are there for 27 hours until a bed becomes available. Then I leave her. All alone to be in a room all by herself. My job is to protect her and I was leaving her all alone. All I wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything would be alright. But would it? How do you recover or move forward? How do you make sure she’s safe? This beautiful little girl who is broken. I’ve given it to God. Please use me to serve you. I will do whatever you want me to do. Please lead me. There are days when you feel like letting go. I’m going to let God.

I knew that something was just not right. At 21 I was definitely not keeping up with my menstrual cycle. I was living with this amazing man. We had been together for a year and a half. He bought a home and welcomed me in with open arms. We loved each other. I knew he was the one for me. And just like that, I found out I was pregnant. This wasn’t my first time being pregnant. After 4 months of dating this same man I became pregnant. Initially we talked and both agreed that we were having a baby. I remember going to the store and getting fruit. It’s weird how these little details stick with you. So for a few weeks we were having a baby. Then he said to me, “I can’t have a baby. I’m still in college.” I did not comprehend what he was saying. I was adamantly against abortion. Like not even an option. But coming from abandonment I did not want to lose him. He was security. So we made the appointment and I did the unimaginable. I killed my baby. I will be honest, it’s something you never get over. It changed our relationship for a little while. I blocked it like so many other things I blocked. But there we were, pregnant again. This time, I wasn’t giving in. If I raised this baby by myself so be it. We went to the first doctors appointment together. We saw our baby. We left talking about the future. We even stopped at Movie Gallery on the way home to rent a movie. We get home and start the movie. I can’t remember the movie, but what came at the beginning of the movie I will never forget. “I don’t think I love you. I don’t know if I ever have.” What? Like what in the hell are you talking about? The pain I felt that day I will never forget. I went to the bedroom, packed my bags and went home to my dad. I was not doing the unimaginable again. I would have this baby with or without him. After about a month apart, he called me. He wanted to talk.

Sometimes I think back to all the things I went through. I wonder how I made it? There are so many memories that I know I have blocked. But occasionally a trigger makes a memory come back. A trigger recently was my uncles death. As I watched my uncle die before my eyes it made me think of how many times I had wished to die. Can you imagine life getting so bad that you just wanted it to end? But just when I thought I was at my lowest something would give me hope. A glimpse of happiness. When your heart feels pain for so many years it becomes a hardened heart. But I am here to tell you your heart can be restored. Through years of counseling I learned a lot of things. But the biggest thing I learned is there is always hope. Hope is never lost. By the time I was 19 I was heading down a destructive path. Drinking became a daily thing and the weekends were binge drinking. Alcohol made me numb for just a little bit. Most nights ended in tears. That’s the weird thing about alcohol. It’s all fun and games until it’s not. The saying “Alcohol brings out truth” is right on spot. I began to pray for God to show me what my purpose was. To forgive me of the sins I committed and to help me live a different life. I knew enough to know that the life I was living was not my fault. It’s what I grew up in. It was “The Cycle”. But I was a strong person and I just knew I could break the cycle. But I couldn’t do it alone. I needed God. So I began praying for God to travel with me and be in my heart. I knew I didn’t want to die, but the life I was living would end up killing me. One night I was driving around with a glass beer between my legs. Just driving around while drinking and listening to music. I had a curfew but I had decided I was not going home. It was raining and I kept listening to the same depressing song over and over. I decided to go see a friend. I was driving down a winding road. I lost control of the car. I ran off the road and my car flipped at least 5 times. The beer bottle broke between my legs. The car was flat like a pancake. I managed to crawl out of the window. I walked to my friends house and told him what had just happened. He looked at me. I did not have a scratch on me. Why had God spared me? When the tow truck came the next day he asked if the person driving survived. I did indeed survive. It was a moment I’ll never forget. I said to myself, “I survived”. But it had a lot more meaning than just surviving the car wreck. I had survived my childhood. There was HOPE. The hope was in my hands. At that moment I KNEW I had HOPE for a different life. But the choice was mine. And I chose to change. From that moment I would do things different. I would figure out how to “Break The Cycle”. Although I had no idea how I was going to do that, I knew I would. God gave me HOPE and GOD was with me to SURVIVE all the things I had been through. I know the exact moment when I decided to break the cycle. And I know the moment I knew I had broke the cycle. With Mother’s Day coming up, I will share with you the moment I KNEW I was going to break the cycle. Until the next blog, be happy and know you always have HOPE.

I saw him across the room. His smile. His hazel eyes. I knew he was the one. He was shy, me, I was a party. I walked up to him. I brought him out of his shell. He was the stability I was looking for. After that night we were together. We saw each other between classes. He was a Junior while I was a sophomore. I loved the way he smelled. I loved how he made me feel important. He loved The Doors. We listened to music in his Isuzu Jeep. He played me so many different songs. Each one I adored. I wanted to be with him but that damn past of mine. It made me not trust. It made me think, “He’s going to leave me”. So I always had my guard up. We went to dances together. We were a couple. He loved me and I loved him. Then he graduated. How would we stay together? I was still in high school and now he was in college. He sent me cards in the mail each week. He’d surprise me and come home. He’d place a note on my car….he was with me again. He went to my Senior prom with me. It was the best night. I just knew we would be together forever. He was my first true love. I decided to go to college near him. Only 45 minutes away. The start of my freshman year things were going well. We saw each other every weekend. His smile was my weakness. I don’t think he even realized what it did to me. I had not known Love. But he showed me what Love was like. But I had a past. I always thought he was leaving so I would do foolish things. I’d cheat on him(kiss other guys) because I was always waiting for him to leave me. Looking back, I was not nice to him. Why he stayed with me I’ll never know. But he eventually had enough. I was not normal. Seriously something was wrong with me. And he finally had enough. So after 3+ years together he ended things with me. I was heart broken. I knew this day would come. I was used to people leaving me. But I took this hard. I drank my sorrows away. Then I’d call him. Beg him to come back to me. I think I was border line stalker. He came from a normal family so this was too much for him. After my freshman year I went back to Birmingham. It was over. This man-boy was NOT going to be my happily ever after. But that’s were God comes in. Gods plan was in place. Would I accept it? I finally did. I just thought I was meant to be alone. And I was ok with that. I had my friends and that’s all I needed. Then one night I went to Senor Frogs. And there he was. I had met him my senior year. My love and I were on a break. He was in college. He was the most beautiful person I had I ever met. But timing was not our friend. So it was brief but boy did we have a connection. So now several years had passed. And we locked eyes at that bar. He was shy. I was used to shy boys. But his friend came up to me. Wait, what? No!!! I’m not interested I want your friend to come over here. And then he did. His blue eyes, those long eyelashes, his skin, his smell. That was it. God placed this incredible man in front of me. My broken heart was instantly healed. This was real. This was the man I was supposed to marry. So God took my broken heart and showed me what REAL love looked like. Would I mess this up like I had before? Could he handle this hot mess of a person that stood in front of him? He could handle it. Can u believe it? This broken shell of a person found true love. A man that loved deep and hard. He questioned my crazy past but did not let that stop him from loving me. It wasn’t perfect. But it was RIGHT. This man loved me good, bad and ugly. I still wonder how I was lucky enough to find this kind of love. And now 24 years later I thank God for this blessing of a love like no other.God knew who I was meant to be with. His plan was in place, God doesn’t make mistakes. Tell that to a 16 Year Old girl in love. It’s funny like that. You question things but you can’t. It’s God’s plan. And boy what a plan it is. This beautiful-man is my husband now for 21+ years. It’s how hard you’re willing to fight for Love. Love is not perfect. Marriage is hard work. But the reward is worth the work. Thank you God for showing me the way. Thank you for showing me heartache can be healed by true love. When you are at the end of your rope, hang on tight. God has everything controlled. You think it’s your plan. It’s not. And if you really open your heart and eyes you see “The Plan” and it’s beautiful. The love I feel for this man cannot be compared to anything. I thank God for the lessons learned with my first love. It lead me to my real true love. There are a lot of holes to this story but they will be revealed in my book. And the holes are the juicy parts. But this blog is a glimpse. So for now, that’s all you get. You get the gift of knowing that heartache can be healed with true love. ❤️❤️

When I was 14 I jumped out of a two story window. I had to get out of there. I couldn’t take it anymore. You see my mom, who I loved so much, she chose a man over me. Once he entered our lives, he became HER LIFE. We were second to him. In the day time she still gave us hugs and kisses. But when night came they began to drink “the cocktail”. I still HATE Jack Daniels to this day. The smell of it brings back all the bad memories. The mom who once was my whole world disappeared. I felt all alone. I felt like she had died. The hurt was too much to handle at 14. Why? Why did she chose HIM over me? Why could she not take care of us? Why did she need this man to take care of us? He didn’t even do a good job. His priority was alcohol and cigarettes. Then came food and after that the utilities and then the rent. I had never felt the HATE I felt for him. I didn’t like it. The feeling of hate eats you from the inside out. I could tell you the stories of how he broke my moms nose, her arm and her ribs. But that’s for another time.

When I moved to Birmingham I was 14. I didn’t see my mom again until I was 18. She missed all of my high school years. The dances, the prom, the boyfriends, she missed everything. I had a void in my life that is indescribable. But when I graduated I decided it was time to see her. So she agreed to drive down and pick us up (me and my little sister). But she wasn’t driving down, she was riding down with HIM. We met them at McDonalds. I will never forget seeing her after 4 years and she had aged SO much. I cried like I was a lost little baby. I hugged her tightly and didn’t want to let go. We drove back to Iowa and stayed for several weeks. In their studio apartment that didn’t even have a separate bedroom. It may have been 400 sq. feet. It was the size of someone’s bedroom. This was their home. When we went back home to Birmingham I remember thinking, ” This will be the last time I see her alive”. She missed my wedding, the birth of my first child. She missed everything for that man. Why? She came down for my daughters first birthday. She took a bus with my grandma and I planned a great trip for them. My mom and grandmother had never been to the Florida beaches. So we took them. They looked so happy when they saw the ocean. I had bought them bathing suits and cover ups. I bought them anything they needed. It was a memorable trip that I will always hold in my heart. She came down another time when we bought our 2nd home. She, my grandma and uncle all took a bus to come visit us. My grandma planted a cherry tree in my back yard. My husband took my uncle to Talledega. It was a very special visit.

I was 29 and I got a call from my grandma. She said my mom weighed 90lbs, she drank from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed. She said, “She’s dying up here, you need to come and get her”. So there I sat, I had my own family including 2 small children and I was being asked to come save a mother that abandoned me. I had all kinds of feelings rushing through me. Anger, sadness, and hate were at the top. But I flew up to Iowa to save my mom. I prayed about it and God kept telling me to forgive. How could I possibly forgive? There was TOO much to forgive. When I got there I saw an aged, tired woman. She was skin and bones. She fought me at first. I went to her house, packed up as much as I could and told her she was coming with me. And then that MAN stood face to face with me and said, “She’s not going anywhere”. Something in me snapped. I explained to him that I was now an adult and I was not afraid of him. I remember telling him I will go and buy a gun if I needed to, but MY mom was coming with me. There may have been a few curse words but I made my point clear. I told him,”You ruined my life, you ruined my mom, and now it’s over.” I felt freed of him. I said what I needed to say from the time I was 14 and it felt like something was lifted off my chest and shoulders. I was finally FREE. He was out of my life just like that. Now I’m not going to lie. Nothing about getting my mom and bringing her back to my home in Birmingham was easy. She wouldn’t fly so we took a bus. I told her she was done drinking and that this was a fresh start for her. We get on the bus and not an hour in I realize she has vodka in her big cup. She lit a cigarette on the bus and we almost got kicked off the bus. I took her vodka and poured it out and tore up her cigarettes. It was the longest 28 hours of my life. But we finally made it home. And when we got home I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive her to FREE myself of all the hurt and anger. She missed so much of my life, but there was much more life she could be part of. She saw my children grow up. She saw my daughters softball games, she saw their birthdays. I got to know her and she got to know me. The adult me. I slowly started seeing the mom I once knew. It filled me heart with joy and filled a void I had. Now 14 years later she is still here with me. Where there were rotted teeth are now beautiful dentures. Where she used to worry about a meal sits a pantry full of food. And a roof over her head is not a worry. She has her own bedroom and bathroom and beautiful patio. She has a space for all the plants she loves. She feeds her birds and squirrels (and tries to feed the raccoons but we disagree on this). It took years but I forgave. And by forgiving my heart feels whole. Sometimes when I say my prayers I thank God for all that I went through because it made me who I am today. It made me the mom I am and it certainly played a roll in my career. By seeing the things I saw, I vowed to never have a life like that. This my friends is Breaking The Cycle.

“I’m moving to Birmingham, Alabama. I promise I’ll fly you down and I’ll come up to visit.” Those words shook me. My dad who always kept our world stable was moving. Why? What had we done? Why was he leaving? Once he left it turned ugly. Mom realized they were never getting back together. She would rent a house and just when we would get comfortable we would be moving again. She would say, “I’m sorry sweet heart but mommy can’t afford this house. We will find something else”. And boy did she find something else. She began dating this man. I never liked him. Looking back, I had very good intuition. After several months he was moving in. In the beginning he would try to play a father role (of course I had a father in Birmingham Alabama so I didn’t need this “father role”). I noticed that he always had alcohol in the house. His alcohol of choice was Jack Daniels. And he would drink a whole bottle in a night. Mom began drinking the special cocktail too. It scared me. They would act different. The fights, oh the fights. Unless you’ve lived in a home with alcoholics you would never understand. I’ve always called it “the Dr. Jeckyl- Mr. Hyde Syndrome”. Sometimes it was all fun and laughs. But sometimes it was bad. He would twist her wrists, choke her, get on top of her. I just knew he was going to kill her. Sometimes I thought he would kill us. He was the worst thing that ever happened to my life. He stole my mom from me. I watched her slip away. She didn’t work, she relied on him for everything. I remember thinking, “I will never be like my mom”. What a way to feel about your mother. And then one night I had enough. I was 14 and just wanted to escape. After watching him hit her, then get a knife and threaten to kill her I decided I was getting out. I jumped from a second floor window and ran to a neighbors house. I called my dad (a collect call, lol). Dad called my grandpa and he came to get me. The next day I went to school and said goodbye to my friends. Then after school grandpa took me to my moms house where I packed all I could in a suitcase and the next day I was on a plane to Birmingham Alabama. I left my little sister. How would she defend herself? I cried the entire plane ride knowing I just left the only home I had known and I left my sister. It’s ironic that a city I had never heard of became my forever home. God works like that. Had I not got on that plane, my sister would not have ever come down (she joined me about a year later), I would not have met the love of my life, I wouldn’t have my children, and I wouldn’t have been able to save my mom one day. That’s right, I saved my mom. That story will come in it’s own chapter.

~I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me~

Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to leave and thank you for all the blessings that you already had planned for me.

Birmingham Alabama~I love you. You saved me(along with a father willing to raise a teenager)

Look at these roses. They are beautiful this year. But look closer…see the weeds. For the roses to really shine through the weeds must be pulled. With that being said, think of life. There is so much to be thankful for. So much beauty. But there are weeds in our lives. They must be pulled. They serve no purpose. They cloud the beauty.

I was around 8 when I remember seeing roses. My Papa John would be out in his front yard. He’d be sitting and pulling what I thought was his grass. So one day I sat behind him and started pulling the grass. He looked at me and said,”Why are you pulling my grass?” I said, “I want to be like you and you’re pulling your grass.” He chuckled and explained that for his lawn to be soft and beautiful he had to pull the weeds. He showed me how some weeds easily were pulled but some had deep roots so you had to work a little harder to get them out. As I came home tonight and saw these beautiful roses it made me think of that moment with Papa John. And then I started to think about how it all applies to life. There are SO many things to be thankful for and are truly God’s beauty. But the weeds, those stubborn weeds. I must rid myself of them. How can I do this? Well after thinking it through I came to a conclusion. God put weeds there for a reason. So I can’t get rid of the weeds. But what I can do is focus on the roses. And my friends the roses are my family, my friends, my animals, my work, my clients, the ocean, the sunrise, the sunsets, the wind, the rain, waking up each morning for another day and the best rose is God. The promise God has given me. He will never leave me. So when you have a bad day, or when you’re faced with a crisis, faced with sadness and heart break, look for the Rose. It blooms each year and even when it’s eaten by bugs it comes back the next year bigger and stronger. May each of you find your rose. And let the weeds be. They die in the cold. They are only seen if you look for them or at them. And to my Papa John in heaven, I hope your grass is soft and green and I know it’s weed free 😂

My Sweet 16th Birthday. I had my best friends over for dinner. I’m holding my hand out because my parents bought me a beautiful ring and I was showing it off. When I look at this picture I see a child on the edge of becoming a young woman. But back then I definitely thought I was already a young woman. I knew it all. I had my whole life sitting in front of me. My favorite music was Motley Crue and Guns N Roses. I thought it was cool to go out and drink. I had been around alcohol my whole life. It’s what I was supposed to do, right? We drank mostly beer. And drank a lot of it. One night I decided to drink and drive. A friend was spending the night and we both thought I was the better choice to drive. I was driving HER car, drunk. We approached Hoover Country Club and before we knew it we were in a sand trap on the golf course. As I pressed the gas pedal, sand started flying into the sunroof. We were stuck and late for curfew. But somehow I got the car out and off we went home. We cautiously pulled up to my house and before we could even get out of the car my parents were coming out the door. I don’t know where it came from but I started spouting out lies, lies, and more lies. “Someone stole the car while we were at Putt-Putt. We came out to the car and it had grass hanging off the front of it and had several dents. We didn’t know what to do so we just drove it home and that is why we were late”. Hmmmm…now that I’m a parent, I can see why my parents didn’t buy my brilliant (drunk) story. The next day we went by the Country Club and we saw the damage. We literally broke through a fence and went in between two trees onto the golf course and landed in a sand trap. Between two trees… We should have hit one of those trees. But you see…I had an angel always watching over me. I escaped death many times in my teenage years. My angel was my grandma. I felt her presence every single time I escaped death. So, Dear 16 Year Old Self~ Why were you such an idiot? Why did you think you were invincible? Just because you had a childhood full of struggles and unhappiness was that an excuse to have no regard for the life God gave you? Each choice I made had a consequence. It’s that whole if you chose to travel down the left road your life goes like this. Choose the right side of the road and your life goes this way. Just ONE single choice, one single decision made the difference of what road I would choose. But at 16 you don’t know that. Two of the people in this photo are dead. One by suicide and one by a tragic car accident. How or why was I saved? Did God have a plan for me? The answer is YES! So Dear 16 Year Old Self~ Be thankful for all the bad decisions you made. It led you to the woman you are today. Each bad thing that happened allowed you to be grateful for the smallest of things. A home, food on the table, electricity. Things most take for granted. And guess what… just because you’re around alcoholism doesn’t mean you will be an alcoholic. You get to CHOOSE your path. And our God is forgiving so if you stray from your path, you can easily get back on the right path. There are MORE stories of escaping death and my guardian angel…they will come out in time. Until then…