When I was 14 I jumped out of a two story window. I had to get out of there. I couldn’t take it anymore. You see my mom, who I loved so much, she chose a man over me. Once he entered our lives, he became HER LIFE. We were second to him. In the day time she still gave us hugs and kisses. But when night came they began to drink “the cocktail”. I still HATE Jack Daniels to this day. The smell of it brings back all the bad memories. The mom who once was my whole world disappeared. I felt all alone. I felt like she had died. The hurt was too much to handle at 14. Why? Why did she chose HIM over me? Why could she not take care of us? Why did she need this man to take care of us? He didn’t even do a good job. His priority was alcohol and cigarettes. Then came food and after that the utilities and then the rent. I had never felt the HATE I felt for him. I didn’t like it. The feeling of hate eats you from the inside out. I could tell you the stories of how he broke my moms nose, her arm and her ribs. But that’s for another time.
When I moved to Birmingham I was 14. I didn’t see my mom again until I was 18. She missed all of my high school years. The dances, the prom, the boyfriends, she missed everything. I had a void in my life that is indescribable. But when I graduated I decided it was time to see her. So she agreed to drive down and pick us up (me and my little sister). But she wasn’t driving down, she was riding down with HIM. We met them at McDonalds. I will never forget seeing her after 4 years and she had aged SO much. I cried like I was a lost little baby. I hugged her tightly and didn’t want to let go. We drove back to Iowa and stayed for several weeks. In their studio apartment that didn’t even have a separate bedroom. It may have been 400 sq. feet. It was the size of someone’s bedroom. This was their home. When we went back home to Birmingham I remember thinking, ” This will be the last time I see her alive”. She missed my wedding, the birth of my first child. She missed everything for that man. Why? She came down for my daughters first birthday. She took a bus with my grandma and I planned a great trip for them. My mom and grandmother had never been to the Florida beaches. So we took them. They looked so happy when they saw the ocean. I had bought them bathing suits and cover ups. I bought them anything they needed. It was a memorable trip that I will always hold in my heart. She came down another time when we bought our 2nd home. She, my grandma and uncle all took a bus to come visit us. My grandma planted a cherry tree in my back yard. My husband took my uncle to Talledega. It was a very special visit.
I was 29 and I got a call from my grandma. She said my mom weighed 90lbs, she drank from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed. She said, “She’s dying up here, you need to come and get her”. So there I sat, I had my own family including 2 small children and I was being asked to come save a mother that abandoned me. I had all kinds of feelings rushing through me. Anger, sadness, and hate were at the top. But I flew up to Iowa to save my mom. I prayed about it and God kept telling me to forgive. How could I possibly forgive? There was TOO much to forgive. When I got there I saw an aged, tired woman. She was skin and bones. She fought me at first. I went to her house, packed up as much as I could and told her she was coming with me. And then that MAN stood face to face with me and said, “She’s not going anywhere”. Something in me snapped. I explained to him that I was now an adult and I was not afraid of him. I remember telling him I will go and buy a gun if I needed to, but MY mom was coming with me. There may have been a few curse words but I made my point clear. I told him,”You ruined my life, you ruined my mom, and now it’s over.” I felt freed of him. I said what I needed to say from the time I was 14 and it felt like something was lifted off my chest and shoulders. I was finally FREE. He was out of my life just like that. Now I’m not going to lie. Nothing about getting my mom and bringing her back to my home in Birmingham was easy. She wouldn’t fly so we took a bus. I told her she was done drinking and that this was a fresh start for her. We get on the bus and not an hour in I realize she has vodka in her big cup. She lit a cigarette on the bus and we almost got kicked off the bus. I took her vodka and poured it out and tore up her cigarettes. It was the longest 28 hours of my life. But we finally made it home. And when we got home I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive her to FREE myself of all the hurt and anger. She missed so much of my life, but there was much more life she could be part of. She saw my children grow up. She saw my daughters softball games, she saw their birthdays. I got to know her and she got to know me. The adult me. I slowly started seeing the mom I once knew. It filled me heart with joy and filled a void I had. Now 14 years later she is still here with me. Where there were rotted teeth are now beautiful dentures. Where she used to worry about a meal sits a pantry full of food. And a roof over her head is not a worry. She has her own bedroom and bathroom and beautiful patio. She has a space for all the plants she loves. She feeds her birds and squirrels (and tries to feed the raccoons but we disagree on this). It took years but I forgave. And by forgiving my heart feels whole. Sometimes when I say my prayers I thank God for all that I went through because it made me who I am today. It made me the mom I am and it certainly played a roll in my career. By seeing the things I saw, I vowed to never have a life like that. This my friends is Breaking The Cycle.
Breaking The Cycle 