Hope

Sometimes I think back to all the things I went through. I wonder how I made it? There are so many memories that I know I have blocked. But occasionally a trigger makes a memory come back. A trigger recently was my uncles death. As I watched my uncle die before my eyes it made me think of how many times I had wished to die. Can you imagine life getting so bad that you just wanted it to end? But just when I thought I was at my lowest something would give me hope. A glimpse of happiness. When your heart feels pain for so many years it becomes a hardened heart. But I am here to tell you your heart can be restored. Through years of counseling I learned a lot of things. But the biggest thing I learned is there is always hope. Hope is never lost. By the time I was 19 I was heading down a destructive path. Drinking became a daily thing and the weekends were binge drinking. Alcohol made me numb for just a little bit. Most nights ended in tears. That’s the weird thing about alcohol. It’s all fun and games until it’s not. The saying “Alcohol brings out truth” is right on spot. I began to pray for God to show me what my purpose was. To forgive me of the sins I committed and to help me live a different life. I knew enough to know that the life I was living was not my fault. It’s what I grew up in. It was “The Cycle”. But I was a strong person and I just knew I could break the cycle. But I couldn’t do it alone. I needed God. So I began praying for God to travel with me and be in my heart. I knew I didn’t want to die, but the life I was living would end up killing me. One night I was driving around with a glass beer between my legs. Just driving around while drinking and listening to music. I had a curfew but I had decided I was not going home. It was raining and I kept listening to the same depressing song over and over. I decided to go see a friend. I was driving down a winding road. I lost control of the car. I ran off the road and my car flipped at least 5 times. The beer bottle broke between my legs. The car was flat like a pancake. I managed to crawl out of the window. I walked to my friends house and told him what had just happened. He looked at me. I did not have a scratch on me. Why had God spared me? When the tow truck came the next day he asked if the person driving survived. I did indeed survive. It was a moment I’ll never forget. I said to myself, “I survived”. But it had a lot more meaning than just surviving the car wreck. I had survived my childhood. There was HOPE. The hope was in my hands. At that moment I KNEW I had HOPE for a different life. But the choice was mine. And I chose to change. From that moment I would do things different. I would figure out how to “Break The Cycle”. Although I had no idea how I was going to do that, I knew I would. God gave me HOPE and GOD was with me to SURVIVE all the things I had been through. I know the exact moment when I decided to break the cycle. And I know the moment I knew I had broke the cycle. With Mother’s Day coming up, I will share with you the moment I KNEW I was going to break the cycle. Until the next blog, be happy and know you always have HOPE.