A baby sets me free

I knew that something was just not right. At 21 I was definitely not keeping up with my menstrual cycle. I was living with this amazing man. We had been together for a year and a half. He bought a home and welcomed me in with open arms. We loved each other. I knew he was the one for me. And just like that, I found out I was pregnant. This wasn’t my first time being pregnant. After 4 months of dating this same man I became pregnant. Initially we talked and both agreed that we were having a baby. I remember going to the store and getting fruit. It’s weird how these little details stick with you. So for a few weeks we were having a baby. Then he said to me, “I can’t have a baby. I’m still in college.” I did not comprehend what he was saying. I was adamantly against abortion. Like not even an option. But coming from abandonment I did not want to lose him. He was security. So we made the appointment and I did the unimaginable. I killed my baby. I will be honest, it’s something you never get over. It changed our relationship for a little while. I blocked it like so many other things I blocked. But there we were, pregnant again. This time, I wasn’t giving in. If I raised this baby by myself so be it. We went to the first doctors appointment together. We saw our baby. We left talking about the future. We even stopped at Movie Gallery on the way home to rent a movie. We get home and start the movie. I can’t remember the movie, but what came at the beginning of the movie I will never forget. “I don’t think I love you. I don’t know if I ever have.” What? Like what in the hell are you talking about? The pain I felt that day I will never forget. I went to the bedroom, packed my bags and went home to my dad. I was not doing the unimaginable again. I would have this baby with or without him. After about a month apart, he called me. He wanted to talk.