Breaking The Cycle

Death. A word as a child I was afraid of. My first experience with death was with my grandpa. My Papa John. My mom always told me he was a miracle to be alive. He had an aneurysm before I was born. The doctors said he had a small chance of surviving. But he did. It left him paralyzed on his right arm. Other than that, he was fine. My early memories are of he and I fishing. I’d always throw my cast and get our lines crossed. We also played cards. Slap jack, go fish. He had his spot on the couch. Right next to the end table where he kept his cigarettes and he always had coffee. He became ill when I was 10. In and out of hospitals. I remember riding the elevator in the hospital and always being afraid I would get stuck in it. I would hold my breath until we reached his floor. In February 1987 things got bad. I watched as his health declined and I remember thinking he can’t die. He’s my Papa John. On February 3rd 1987 I was in the room when he died. I watched his heart rate go from beating to no longer beating. A single tear came down his eye and that was it. I was told, he’s in heaven now. I remember thinking, “Is he? How do we know that?” The little I knew about God was that Jesus died for us and when you die you go and join your other family members in heaven. I was 11. A year later almost to the day, my grandma died. 57 years young. This death was different. My grandma (on my dads side) was one of the biggest influences in my life. I spent almost every weekend with her. It would be me, my sister and my cousins always at her house. She loved us so much. When she died I felt a hurt like I had not felt before. But it also did not feel real. I was 12. Thankfully I didn’t see death for another 10 years. This time I was married and it was my father in law. This death was very different. I was an adult and saw things differently. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was at work and got a call from my mother in law. I was closest to their house. She was at work and asked if I could go to the house. She had called an ambulance. When I got there they were putting him in the ambulance. They told me things were bad and that I needed to meet them at the hospital. Cell phones were not something people had just yet. So I went inside, called my mother in law and told her I would meet her at the hospital. My husband was out on a delivery and no one could reach him. He had a pager, but was not responding. I got to the hospital and met my mother in law. The chaplain came out and said that the doctors were working on him but it did not look good. And after an hour the doctors came out and said it was a massive heart attack and he did not survive. This death was different because he was my daughters grandfather and my husbands father. My husband finally arrived at the hospital and I had to tell him. He said my eyes said it all and so I didn’t really have to tell him. My heart broke for him and for my mother in law. This death affected me in a way I had never experienced.  The next death was my sister in law. I watched as she became addicted to pain pills. I watched as she became a person I couldn’t recognize. She had two small children and I remember thinking, “These babies will not have a mother”.  I just knew something bad would happen. We received a phone call one early morning that she had died. She overdosed in the hospital. She was getting medicine from the hospital (she had a port) and she decided to liquify pain pills and put the liquid in her port. And just like that she was gone. At this point, I remember asking God, “Why would he take such a young woman, only 30 years old?”  These deaths began to question my faith. I knew God was good and a loving God but how would a good and loving God allow these things to happen?  Then in January 2008 a death happened that shook my world. My grandma (my moms mom) passed away. When I tell you about this death you will understand why death has affected me so greatly. I had just gotten home from work and my mom had also just gotten home too. We were sitting on the front porch and the home phone rang. My husband answered it. He came out and said that there was someone on the phone from a hospital in Iowa. My mom got on the phone and I heard her scream and cry she handed me the phone and said she couldn’t talk. I got on the phone and this person was telling me that my grandma was at their hospital and they were sorry to tell me that she would not be making it through the night. No one in our family up there had called to let us know she had been ill. She was admitted to the hospital New Years Day. Wait, WHAT? Who does that? What kind of person does not call to let us know she was sick? I told the doctor that she was my grandma and that I wanted her to be put on life support. My mom, who will not fly, was hysterical  I was in shock and I told them to keep her alive until we could get there. I felt like I was in a nightmare. She wasn’t sick? I would have known if she was sick. What in the world was going on?  We got in the car the next morning and drove 13 hours. While driving I called my cousin and asked her if she would go check on her and tell me what was going on. She did and called me back while I was on the road. She said it was BAD. It appeared that she had been neglected. My grandma’s toes were dead and they found roaches imbedded in them. She had lice so they had to cut all of her hair. My cousin tried to prepare me to see a person that did not look like my grandma. What?? I began praying immediately. Begging God to save her. I’d bring her home with me and take care of her. I convinced myself the whole ride that it would be ok. Nothing could prepare me for what I saw when we finally arrived. How could my God, a good and loving God allow this to happen to my grandma? She was unrecognizable. I cried and cried. I held her hand and spoke to her. “Grandma, if you can hear me squeeze my hand. I made it here. I’m here grandma.”  She squeezed my hand. Then the next day, January 11th 2008 I watched as they took her off life-support and I watched her slip away. And just like that she was gone. No one should die the way she did. I found out she was laying on the ground in her living room for months. My uncle who lived with her allowed her to soil herself and just lay in it. When I went to the house her body imprint was in the carpet. Except the carpet was flat and gone. I once again found myself questioning my faith. Where was God? Was he with her through this? Why did my God allow her to suffer so? Everything about this death was inhumane. This death affected me more than any death before. There have been 4 other deaths since then. A dear friend who overdosed and left 3 children. My grandfather who at 87 died at home and my dad and I stayed up all night with him. I saw him take his last breath. My sweet nieces mother who died of cancer and we watched her take her last breath. Now the most recent, my uncle. In the same fashion as my grandma, I got a call on Tuesday to let me know he had a day left to live. Mom and I drove 9 hours to get to him. A man that stood at 6’2 now weighed maybe 130 lbs and he had a dead right leg. Like completely black dead leg. Why do I keep having these TRAUMATIC deaths in my life? We made it to say our goodbyes and we saw his blue eyes look at us and he said our names, so he knew we were there. 12 hours after we got there we watched him take his last breath.

I chose to blog about death tonight for a reason. Life is SO short and SO precious. Tell the ones you love everyday how much you love them. If you are not happy with your life, make changes. In the end family and friends are the single most important thing in this life. Not material things or how successful you are. God has put us on this earth for a short time. Do all things for him. He has a plan for you. It’s his plan, not yours. Live for God. Love for God. Because we all will be called home one day. I have questions and want to understand why these things have happened. But I choose not to question because it’s God’s will and plan. I trust it. My faith is all I have. It gets me through. It can get you through too. Believe with all of your heart. Because when your heart beats for the last time, know you are going home to God. Our Savior and our creator.

My book will go into all the details of these deaths. You will see how each of these deaths made me stronger and made my relationship with God stronger.  Until then….

It was my 5th Birthday. My grandma had a birthday party for me at her house. Do you see the 2 plates hanging on the wall? Even though my grandparents are in heaven now, I have those plates. I look at that little girl and smile. Look at the pose…I do that pose today sometimes. I look at my eyes and I see myself. I still have those eyes. But those eyes have seen so much. Because I’m sharing with you this birthday at my grandma’s house I want to tell you a story about my grandma.

It was a Monday afternoon. My mom was living with us and had just got home from work. The home phone rang and my husband answered. He yelled out, “It’s a call from a hospital in Iowa.”  My heart sunk. My mom took the call and started crying and handed me the phone. I could not believe what the doctor was saying to me. “Are you related to….?”  I answered, “Yes, that’s my grandmother.”  He said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your grandmother only has hours to live.”  Seriously stunned I said, “Excuse me?”  What was this man saying? My grandmother wasn’t in the hospital. No one had called to even tell us she was sick. He’s wrong.  My uncle lived with her and he would have called us if grandma was sick. The doctor said, “Ma’am are you there?”  Was I there? Where was I? I felt like a bomb had just went off in my chest. I finally answered him. “Yes, I’m here. You put her on life support. I’m coming. You go to her bed and tell her I’m coming.”  My mom and I got in our car(mom won’t fly) and we drove 14 hours to get there. In route I called my cousin on my dads sise. I knew she worked at the hospital or close by  I asked her to go and see what was going on. All while driving my mom and I convinced ourselves that she would pull through this. And we would bring her back home with us to live. My cousin called a few hours later. She said, “It’s not good. When was the last time you saw her?”  I had to think, it had been 3 or 4 years. We spoke weekly, I sent her money so she could afford health insurance. I bought her a new living room set because she told me everything was old and ripped. I had been there the whole time. She was always in my heart. My cousin said, “She has been neglected, and it’s bad. They had to cut all of her hair off because she had lice. They found roaches embedded in her dead foot.”  I told my cousin thank you so much for checking on her. I’ll get there and we’ll get her through this.  How do you get someone through that? I later learned my uncle let her lie on the ground soiled in her urine and feces. When we finally got there we rushed up the elevator to her hospital room. I had a photo I brought from the last time we were there. Grandma was holding my son and had her arm around me while my daughter stood next to me. We walked into the room I could not believe my eyes. Who is that? I looked at the nurse, “See this photo? This is my grandma. What room is she in? This shell of a body with hair cut at a 1 inch length is not my grandma. She goes to get her hair done once a month. It’s very important to her. But as I got closer to the woman they said was my grandmother I looked at her hands. I knew her hands. Oh my God!!! No!!!!!! What is happening? I grabbed her hand, leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Grandma, I’m here. I’m here. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me. I looked at her chest moving up and down by the life support machine. I started to sob. Sob as I held her hand and held her body. I touched her hair, and sobbed more. “Grandma, I made it here. Please, please squeeze my hand. I want you to know I’m here. I love you  I’m here.  And then she squeezed my hand. She squeezed it hard. Just one time. She passed the next day. January 11th. January 11th. January 11th was the same date my little sister died. I have 4 sisters and one brother and I had a little sister born in 1976 just 18 months after me. You didn’t know that? Well, just wait. There is a lot you don’t know. Until next time

One Photo AlbumThis album. This ONE album is all the childhood photos I have. Isnt that CRAZY? A child for 18 years and all that shows for it is ONE album. I wonder if God intended me to only have ONE album so that I could only have limited memories. It’s funny, but when you look in the album there might be a handful of baby photos, but there are pictures of Birthdays 1-8 and then it skips to birthdays 15-17.  Where are the other 7 years? Could it be that those 7 years did not exist? Did GOD purposefully choose for there not to be photos? Those 7 years were where a LOT of the damage occurred. Is God protecting me? After over 7+ years of counseling I recounted those years. And all I can say is, Thank you Lord for protecting me. I now understand why those years don’t exist in a photo album. It’s quite interesting how the mind works. Each day memories of some sort are made. Some are good memories and some not so good. I made my very first best friend in kindergarten. My memories are very clear. She was this happy, beautiful girl with blonde hair. Her hair was naturally curly and she wore it right above her shoulders. We walked to school hand in hand everyday. She was my best best friend. I’d spend the night with her a lot. We would roller skate in her basement. She had the coolest handmade dollhouse but we had to be careful when we played with it. Her name was Lisa. And she doesn’t know it, but God chose her to save me. She was my escape. She remained my best friend until I was 13. My mom moved me away from my best friend and from all my other best friends. They really all saved me. When I was with them I had a normal life for a day or a weekend. I hope they all realize that they were a big part of who I became as an adult. Their friendships helped me see Love in a different light.  They each deserve their own chapter in my book. God’s plan is perfect. He placed each of them in my life for a reason. Now, back to the ONE album. I realized that memories are MUCH more than pictures. Each memory is placed in your mind and heart. No one can take that away.

I had my beautiful daughter when I was 22. By the time she was one years old I easily had 6 albums of photos not to mention the photos I had made at Olan Mills (that tells my age). I’d later see through counseling that everything I did was in excess to compensate for what I didn’t have. But for a long time I said, “ So what! My children will always have more of everything I did not have”.  That was my way of breaking the cycle. And the cycle is hard to break. It’s powerful.

I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me

I’m there… do you see me? I’m in my mom’s tummy. This was the beginning for me. I have to believe my dad and mom loved each other and the gift of that love was me. Or was it? God created me and knew exactly who my mom and dad would be here on earth, this I know. But had God given me all the tools I would need for this life he created? What was Gods plan for me? It still amazes me that through every good and bad time God knew the outcome. Tears…where do they come from? Don’t  you wonder how sometimes there are so many tears that you think there cannot possibly be anymore. They’d have to run out at some point. So today, I woke up and before I opened my eyes I heard I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. Was this the voice I had been waiting for? Was GOD telling me I could finally write my story for others to learn how to break the cycle. YES! I’m ready. I’m ready to finally get all off my chest and know that if I can help at least one person break the cycle I did my job here on earth. So wait for it… I’ll write on this blog daily showing you a peak and teaser of what will be coming in my own little (not so little book). Suffering, Survival, Hope and Happiness. It goes full circle and I break the cycle. What cycle you may ask. You will see. And it will help others break the cycle. Until tomorrow